Letting Go

I have let go of the expectation of falling in love with a man. Since my days of being a student at Edward R. Murrow high school, I was always curious to know what it's like to be a girlfriend and what it feels like to fall in love, make love, and I say I love you. For years I have been determined to build a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with a guy. I thought that this would not be a difficult goal to achieve, but I was definitely wrong. Things just didn't work out in my favor. This hurt me terribly. I always wanted to know why. Why doesn't he want to keep me? Why doesn't he see that I am good person? Why are my friends in relationships, but not me? When is it going to be my turn?

I believe men only see me as an object, the other, but not the one. To them, I am conquest, not a treasure. It's never a problem to engage in casual sex, but to be in a committed relationship is out of the question. Because this has been the constant for ten consecutive years, it's best that I throw in the towel. I would have a fortune if I were to get a dollar for every time a guy told me this: "You're a cool girl, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you." To hear that line over and over again is like a stab in the heart for me, and I just can't continue to put myself through that anymore. I know that I am worthy of whole lot more than what I have gotten, so I will not settle for less anymore.

I am not sure if it is a phase or not, but I have gotten to the point where I don't want to even want to exchange numbers with a new guy; I don't want to go out on any dates; go to anyone's house; I don't want to even be touched whether it be in the form of a handshake or a hug. No more casual sex. I just want to be left alone. I don't even want a guy to look at me, which may be difficult because I do have it going on and all. I have felt this way before and I have sworn off men for one to two years at a time, but I don't know how long it will be before I will want a man to be around me again.

I wrote an earlier piece about hating when people ask me why I am single and I failed to reveal that I hate being asked that question because it reminds me of what I have gone through. It reminds me of being hurt. It reminds me of being frustrated. It reminds me of being confused. I don't want to experience those feelings anymore. Being single can be boring at times, but at least it's not painful.

Now the questions that I ask are: "What is God preparing me for? Who is God preparing me for?" I don't beat myself up about this anymore, even though I am sensitive about it. I pray that I don't become that woman who immerses herself in her job and education so badly that she loses the ability to let a man take the lead and to let him love her. I pray that I don't become that bitter bitch that hisses at a man and labels him incompetent the moment he says hello. I want to get over, not get even. I pray that I increase my strength and my wisdom. I am going to continue to be productive and to press forward. Walk by faith, not by sight.