Letting Go

I have let go of the expectation of falling in love with a man. Since my days of being a student at Edward R. Murrow high school, I was always curious to know what it's like to be a girlfriend and what it feels like to fall in love, make love, and I say I love you. For years I have been determined to build a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with a guy. I thought that this would not be a difficult goal to achieve, but I was definitely wrong. Things just didn't work out in my favor. This hurt me terribly. I always wanted to know why. Why doesn't he want to keep me? Why doesn't he see that I am good person? Why are my friends in relationships, but not me? When is it going to be my turn?

I believe men only see me as an object, the other, but not the one. To them, I am conquest, not a treasure. It's never a problem to engage in casual sex, but to be in a committed relationship is out of the question. Because this has been the constant for ten consecutive years, it's best that I throw in the towel. I would have a fortune if I were to get a dollar for every time a guy told me this: "You're a cool girl, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you." To hear that line over and over again is like a stab in the heart for me, and I just can't continue to put myself through that anymore. I know that I am worthy of whole lot more than what I have gotten, so I will not settle for less anymore.

I am not sure if it is a phase or not, but I have gotten to the point where I don't want to even want to exchange numbers with a new guy; I don't want to go out on any dates; go to anyone's house; I don't want to even be touched whether it be in the form of a handshake or a hug. No more casual sex. I just want to be left alone. I don't even want a guy to look at me, which may be difficult because I do have it going on and all. I have felt this way before and I have sworn off men for one to two years at a time, but I don't know how long it will be before I will want a man to be around me again.

I wrote an earlier piece about hating when people ask me why I am single and I failed to reveal that I hate being asked that question because it reminds me of what I have gone through. It reminds me of being hurt. It reminds me of being frustrated. It reminds me of being confused. I don't want to experience those feelings anymore. Being single can be boring at times, but at least it's not painful.

Now the questions that I ask are: "What is God preparing me for? Who is God preparing me for?" I don't beat myself up about this anymore, even though I am sensitive about it. I pray that I don't become that woman who immerses herself in her job and education so badly that she loses the ability to let a man take the lead and to let him love her. I pray that I don't become that bitter bitch that hisses at a man and labels him incompetent the moment he says hello. I want to get over, not get even. I pray that I increase my strength and my wisdom. I am going to continue to be productive and to press forward. Walk by faith, not by sight.

Check This Out

There is only about two weeks left to see the Gentrification of Brooklyn: The Pink Elephant Speaks exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary African Diasporan Arts (MoCADA) .

Gentrification is a reality that has been impacting the borough of Brooklyn for a number of years. In the art exhibit located in Brooklyn at the James E. Davis Arts Building on 80 Hanson Place, are works of art that capture each of the artists’ personal critiques on the changes that are taking place in the borough that many love, including me. Over twenty artists have put in their creativity and hard work to get people to look deeper into the transformation of the economic and social landscape of Brooklyn.

The Gentrification of Brooklyn exhibit is a great opportunity to be educated about the past, present, and future of Brooklyn. The showcased artwork in the exhibit is provocative, eye-opening, and has everyone asking, “Is it white flight or gentrification?” This is a great question to ask friends, family, and coworkers.
The exhibit will definitely create a dialogue within the community.

Definitely make time to get down to MoCADA to view this incredible exhibit. If you’re an educator, like me, schedule a tour for your students. For questions, call (718) 230-0492 or visit http://www.mocada.org/.